When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
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If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza