Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
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*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
“That’s what” – She
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.