Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
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My wife has the worst taste in men.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Me irl
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
The Sun
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.