I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
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Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?