Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
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Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child