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{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Letās just say I didnāt know it was a sock, and Iām happy to report Iāve set a new long jump world record.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinkingā¦ āIām going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.ā
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because youāre hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon youāre square. all comes down to whoās the faster cyclist
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ahā¦ soā¦ wats ur favoriteā¦ uhā¦ year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yesā¦ the year they discobvered theā¦ 19th century
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Why canāt I track the Grubhub driver AFTER heās given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
*first day as a conductor
āTickets, pleaseā
*the orchestra is confused
13: so Iāll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ā ļøā ļøā ļø š SEASONAL itās seasonal asthma
He said itās canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so theyāre always super impressed.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband itās not 38.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Gonna start saying āthatās what they want you to believeā whenever anyone disagrees with me
[concert]
Security Guard: Maāam, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I donāt think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. Howād he get your number?
One day Iād like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming ādear god, what just happenedā
Welcome to parenting: You didnāt eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
A game married people play.
Me: Heās starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GODā¦
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HEāS GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.