Plant care tips
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*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.