DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
You Might Also Like
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice