My neck, my back, my…
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[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Called it
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Hmmmmm
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL