I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
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Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle