During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
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[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
hey, alexa
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course