[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
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A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap