IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
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my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…