Last-minute gift idea!
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“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it