Facebook Twitter
You Might Also Like
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Oh boy, $150,000!
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH