A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
You Might Also Like
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Lmbo
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*