Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
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Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Happy Halloween 🎃
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus