bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
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Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
My neck, my back, my…
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.