I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
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Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I put the hot in psychotic.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
how much does a mortician urn in a year