When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
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Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.