Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
You Might Also Like
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.