him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
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Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is