I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
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[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
This is so me 😂😂
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Does beer think about me too?
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Jail
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”