Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
You Might Also Like
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
*watches the world burn*
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Twitter fine art
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT