A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
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*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.