3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
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I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.