PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
You Might Also Like
SPLOOT
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I put the hot in psychotic.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.