Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
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….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.