Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
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I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
WHY?!
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!