It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
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Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
wow he looks just like him
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.