I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
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They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
The only equipped I am is ill.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*