Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
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Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
cat vs inanimate object
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon