[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
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That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.