*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
You Might Also Like
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more