My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
You Might Also Like
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
wishing you and yours all the best
Self-cleaning conscience
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet