Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
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[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.