cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
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Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
a lot to unpack here
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Cake safety first. Always.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*