This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
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Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??