batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
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Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger