*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
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“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
first you must answer his riddles
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
classic mixup
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days