Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
You Might Also Like
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
nature’s most graceful animal
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”