“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
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I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Always
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
these two trucks have the same bed length
He’s cranky this morning
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies