I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
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Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
i now pronounce you bounced.
For the baby who has everything
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.