There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
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[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me