Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
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Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Posting this on behalf of a friend
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.