Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
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5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*