Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
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Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.