LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
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He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.