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It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Hero horse inspires millions
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”