YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
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“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.